Experiencing Car Seat Headrest
Album cover of Making A Door Less Open
My connection to CSH:
The band Car Seat Headrest is known for its rowdy male followers. Many are “emo” and depressed, and many talk back to their mothers. Despite this stereotype (a hilarious one at that), their songs have many admirers. Truthfully, their songs have helped me through the good and bad times.
Before I got to college, I would be stressed out thinking about my future and what it would be like at Kenyon. One day, I walked to my room to finish packing my belongings, but instead, I put on my headphones and pressed shuffle on Spotify. After a few minutes, this song came up: “Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales.” I had never heard it before but was completely transfixed by the melody.
The chorus of this song goes, “It doesn’t have to be like this / It doesn’t have to be like this / It doesn’t have to be like this / Killer whales, killer whales,” which is repeated a second time. If you listen to the whole song you will find the lyrics refer to the human race as killer whales. Killer whales were deemed their title because they are the only species of whale that eat their kind. Lead singer Will Toledo is telling a story through song, of a drunk driving accident. He’s comparing the idea of a human murdering another human in such a manner to that of a killer whale’s hunting ritual. Toledo is an amazing storyteller, and, although some of his songs are dark, they convey strong and important messages about the world around us.
Before I left for Kenyon, I went to see Car Seat Headrest. My best friend and I took the 7 pm train downtown and waited in line to be crushed between many sweaty people. I was starting to worry if it was worth it. After 30 minutes of a long line, Will Toledo came out with leggings underneath jean short-shorts and a tucked-in t-shirt. He wore his iconic mask and danced around the stage like his legs had no gravity. Then, it became clear to me how extraordinarily worth it this undertaking was. My friend and I agreed (with scrutiny and plausible deniability) that it was a religious experience of sorts.
The lead singer’s origins:
The story of Will Toledo is ordinary. Just like most 16-year-olds, he was a secretive teenager. He had been playing music at a young age to process his diagnosis of schizophrenia and depression. Especially on later albums such as Twin Fantasy (Mirror to Mirror), as in the song “Beach Life-In-Death,” he mentions this desire to be normal despite his mental disorders.
We also have evidence of Toledo’s childhood troubles as he has talked about the abandonment he has felt in his family (specifically coming from his dad) in his song “lawns” from the 2011 album My Back Is Killing Me Baby. The song is about his dad asking him to take out the trash which is a metaphor for the weight of his personal responsibilities. When he finishes his chores he looks around but his dad is not there. He sings, “I waited on the sidewalk, for my dad, I mean / But I couldn’t find him / He was nowhere to be seen.”
Toledo started recording songs he had written in his parents’ 2000 Toyota Sienna. In the parking lot of his high school, he would stare at his car seat headrests with a laptop and a microphone. He continued this practice when he went to Virginia Commonwealth University for a year before transferring to William and Mary College in 2011. All of the songs on one of their most popular albums Twin Fantasy (Mirror to Mirror) were recorded by Will Toledo scrunched up in the backseat of his car. You can hear static and his muffled voice as he wails the lyrics out.
Toledo was planning to major in English with a minor in religious studies before he got into his college’s radio station. I think one of the reasons his lyricism is so elegant is because of his prior experience with writing prose and poetry in class. In a Washington Post interview, Toledo said about his writing: “I guess I’m coming to terms with the fact that what’s talked about isn’t necessarily the music itself. It can be hard to talk about the music because it’s an experience, and there’s a focus on the narratives and the people over the music. That’s something I’m going to have to accept…”
Starting the band:
Toledo met the rest of his bandmates, Andrew Katz (drummer), Seth Dalby (bassist), and Ethan Ives (lead guitarist), when he posted an ad on Craigslist after graduating from William and Mary College in 2014. They were all in the Seattle area and became quick friends. They started touring after they signed a record deal with Matador Records in 2015.
“Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales” is on Teens of Denial, their tenth studio album. The song is in a 4/4 measure and is led by Will Toledo’s scratchy voice, electric guitar, Katz’s drums, and a synthesizer. This specific album recalls his first few years in college and the feeling of intense loneliness he had:
In 2015 he told Rolling Stone, “I went to college, which I had been nervous about beforehand, and I stayed nervous there. I didn't get out much. That's what the music reflects — introversion. It was a big deal for me to go away from everything I knew to living with all these strangers.”
As Toledo gained fame in the music industry (and grew popular with edgy teens), he also struggled with his self-image. He said in The Washington Post article, “The struggle for me trying to make music was wanting to do it on my own terms and not feeling like I was being watched while I did it. It’s one thing to show a finished product to somebody, but it’s another thing to have people listening in while I’m making it. It messes with my head space, so I was trying to get away from that.” To fix this issue he created a persona called “Trait.” He says, “Trait is a creature filled with exuberant energy. The character is a way to be an embodiment of that energy rather than some schmuck with a microphone.” Trait wears an animal-like gas mask with a pointed nose built in, and a screen where his eyes should be cast colorful light shows.
My favorite CSH song and its meaning:
Upon searching through more of their discography as the countdown to college move-in day approached, I found an album they released in 2020 called Making a Door Less Open. This year was a particularly hard year of my life, and I know Will Toledo knows a thing or two about hard experiences. I found the ninth song on the album, “Life Worth Missing,” where Toledo expresses the mental weight he carries, to be particularly charming.
The song starts off with a pulsing beat created by a keyboard and muffled drum/drum modulator. The melody seems far off in the distance like we have not yet found the sound, but our ears then get pulled back into reality as the percussion leans in with a regular drum kit. In a 4/4 measure, seven chords are playing throughout the song in repetition. On piano, the intro goes as follows: C, Cmaj7, Am, C, G, F and repeats two times before the first verse is played and goes as follows: C, Am, C, F and repeats four times. Then, the chorus starts and we become entranced, holding steady for the long journey to come.
The lyricism on this specific song, in my opinion, is some of their best, and it’s the reason I call it one of my favorites. On verse one, Toledo’s voice is gruff but calm as he sings, “As if on cue / They lit a firework / The sky reeled back / And I ran fast to get to you / I think you knew / Before the war began / What loving to run towards something / Can do to a man.” Toledo paints us a picture of longing, in which he is in an open field, the sky is so big and wide, and different lights are covering him overhead. Maybe there’s a celebration of sorts that is going on and he is just out of reach? Either way, it’s clear that he desperately needs to be with the person he loves, and tells us that it is urgent because someone is orchestrating the end of days or a war. He hints at this to us because he describes the sky being pulled away from the atmosphere. He reminds us of his instincts and urgency to find this person as he is running to them.
Toledo’s strained voice continues, “Fall over the edge / Learn to live while falling / Every laugh is a path worth following / When you put it into words / It's comfortingly bland / There's so little left to understand.” In this section of the first verse, Toledo is describing him falling off of something, to his death, but the experience he has while falling, to me, seems to represent something deeper. I conceptualized it as the deeper meaning behind life and human connection of which he only realizes through committing this suicidal act. We then get introduced to the motif of laughing he uses throughout the song. He says every laugh, every human emotion, is an opening or a path that can lead to better things –– but he does not tell us what it leads to. He just reiterates that it is “worth following” which gives us a nod to the title of the song for the first time. Once again, reminding us that this yearning for someone and something is simple and natural, but hard to contextualize when it is all in your head.
Continuing, Toledo utters, “When we're strung up, hanging / From the knots we've allowed / We call up our angels to cut us down / ‘If you could be proud of anything you've done… What would it be?’ / Then they disappear and we are up in the clouds…” Now we are not falling anymore, but suspended by strings like puppets. The strings are a metaphor for the problems and hardships that we inflict on ourselves and expect to be solved by others. That is only when the others (angels) come in and detach our strings are we truly freed from life’s misery or puppetry. Will Toledo insinuates the only option is death in this case. The first verse officially ends with the drum modulator or synthesizer playing the intro harmony along with the soloing of a drum kit.
Moving on to the chorus, he calls out, “I feel the tension shock right through my body / I am wide awake / Shake a laugh for me…” and at the last line he changes the pitch of his voice an octave higher to emphasize the feeling. “Shake a laugh for me…” is said as if a laugh can be something tangible. I like this line because he says it in such a way that almost makes light of the small human action, which I find inspiring.
In verse two, Toledo brings up his childhood: “I thought one day / I thought I'd find a hole / In my own backyard / I'd never seen before / Follow it down / Underneath that fence / Come back up on the other side / Live another life.” This is describing child-like wonder in the midst of abuse and an ache for different circumstances. The second verse continues, “Break down the door, it's yours for the taking / I held it back until you stopped asking / My eyes are blurred, the clock is ticking / I'm coming up short in a life worth nothing / I hear women in my head / With ordinary names / That ring like magic through some malfunction in my brain.” The object that is being “held back,” as well as the lover from whom he is withholding, is not named, but I assume it is the idea of his love, rather than a physical thing. His eyes are blocked from crying and time is running out, as we get another acknowledgement of the song’s title.
The funniest thing about music, even about incredibly complex songs, is that no matter how many times you listen, you will always find something new. Whether that be a new lyric, beat, melody, or harmonization –– there is always something to be discovered. For example, while relistening to “Life Worth Missing” for this article, after the title is acknowledged in the second verse, I heard Toledo’s voice on a backtrack behind his main vocals: “I’m coming up short in a life worth nothing…” He sings this repeatedly; I’ve never noticed this backing vocal until now. This part concludes as he is reminded of all his past relationships, and overhearing their names in his head he is overwhelmed with their now absence in his life.
We are nearing the end of the song now as he takes us on yet another journey in a different setting of powerful vulnerability. Toledo’s voice raises in tone and he yelps, “Your hands were warm though you came in from the cold / I took one and held it / And suddenly I started to shake.” Then the bridge comes in, repeating, “Shake / Shake / Shake / Sh-aaaaaaakkkke.” This is a reference to the line in the chorus where he tells us to “Shake a laugh” for him. In this case, the joining of his lover's hands with his creates a visceral reaction causing him to shake, but also to laugh. This song is filled with allusions to previous lyrical couplets, which highlights both the verse structure, and the message that moving through life is precious, no matter what.
The beat drops and the last chorus swells in with, “I feel it break, I feel the weight / Of anger, pain and sorrow / Breaking over me / The flags are raised; We walk with no goodbyes and no tomorrows / This is destiny…” Now, his horrible emotions and thoughts are finally leaving him, and a white flag, to indicate surrender in a time of war, is being raised. Will Toledo is telling us he is surrendering his feelings during this warfare of fervor and saying goodbye to the future, as there is none without his lover.
The outro plays: “Memories of the best regrets / I play my song in every single rest / Every note of the symphony / Mend the fence with the best of grace / It's pleasantries to the bottom of the page / I'm sorry…” Now, we are finishing the story, with him recalling his regrets and favorite moments of his life and relationships. The two lines “I play my song in every single rest / Every note of the symphony” showcase his knowledge of songwriting and music, emphasizing that each note of his songs means something. Even when he rests to breathe he is telling a narrative either about loss or healing. The fence from his childhood is brought up once again but now it is fixed to show that this story has a happy ending. Finally, remarks are exchanged until the song ends and he leaves us with a heart-wrenching apology: “I’m sorry…”
The introspective lyrics are asking us as the human race to grapple with our existence as either profane or sacred. Each lick of the song is a poetic masterpiece. The imagery, even from verse one, is jaw-dropping, and the atmospheric instrumentation, haunting melodies, and homophonic texture blend with the lyrics to make a song not worth missing. He goes back and forth between first-person and second-person to insist that his listeners think the same way as him, which makes the song even more personal to me.
Will Toledo ended his Washington Post interview by saying, “There’s music that transcends that, and you take it with you and it retains its own value. That’s what I want to make. . . . It has to transcend its particulars — whatever genre it is — and exist on a higher plane somehow.” As a whole, “Life Worth Missing,” as well as Car Seat Headrest’s entire catalog, has shown me how music can be much more than just sound in my ears, and how it can make us feel like we are a part of something bigger than ourselves. I know that when I put on my headphones to find comfort, songs like these will always be waiting for me.